Saturday 28 May 2011

My Magic Flask

My magic flask transforms any drink. Whatever you put in it, be it tea, coffee... okay, I have only ever put in it tea and coffee. It is a flask. Apart from hot drinks - or if you're a crazy radical, soup - what else are you going to put in it? Anyway, whatever I put in it, the thing I drink bears no resemblance to the original contents. Therefore - - - > Magic.

The colour is always black. The inside of the cup, i.e. flask top, is black. No magic there. The material state is liquid. That is like the original contents, admittedly. That's probably something to do with magic still having to be within the laws of science - whoever heard of matter changing state and liquid becoming solid or gas? Hahahaha.... wait, did I boil a kettle to make tea? Yeah... steam? You mean the magic cloud? Not magic? Okay, no magic clouds. Back to talking about my magic flask.

Magic 1:
Input: tea  - - - - > Output: creosote.

The smell of creosote is nostalgic to me, conjuring up memories of my dad coating the fences. I grew up in what could be called a remote hamlet. Though I am uneasy applying the word remote to a place that was the centre of my universe for so long. Did it have a bus service? Not after the woman who used it died. Was it near town? Welll, twenty minutes drive; without traffic. Train station? Pah, by the time you got there, time to go home again. I'd say remote-ish. The house in the hamlet had corrugated iron to be painted and fenced in garden to be creosoted; in case you'd forgotten why I mentioned it.

Magic 2:
Input: coffee - - - - > Output: liquid frankfurter.

A bit like liquid nitrogen in that it starts with the word "liquid". In no other ways is it like liquid nitrogen.
Frankfurters are also nostalgic to me. I wasn't always vegetarian. In fact when I was very young I really liked frankfurters. Especially chilled frankfurters. The appealing thing about frankfurters was you could pretend they were cold, dead worms.

My magic nostalgia flask is available for rent for a upfront fee of 200 magic dollars. Applicants without magic dollars need not apply; no time wasters thank you.

Thursday 26 May 2011

Body Language Explained #1

Walking down the street with hands on hips.



 I used to think that this was a catwalk model's sexy walk, when I was as a kid. Then I grew up and realised two things.

One, that catwalk models aren't sexy, as they are employed to resemble coathangers as much as possible.

Two, that the reason anyone would walk down the street with their hands on their hips is because they forgot to apply deoderant that morning and need to get the air up their pits. Any sashaying in their walk is to waft stinky sweat smell away.

It happened. 

Saturday 21 May 2011

Word of the Day

Unrevolon [ʌnrevɒlɒn]
1. The feeling after you have been to the hairdresser and realise that you still have the same face.

Example:

Harry: But... but... I just look the same. With different hair.
Hermione: You are feeling unrevolon.

 2. [obscure] The feeling you have after you have watched a film with a totally awesome sexy confident heroine / hero you can relate and go off feeling go-getting only to look in the mirror and think... my nose is no way cute enough for me to be successful.

Related to:
Hypappointment [hɒIpæpɔIntment]

The promise of life change after a certain date; usually involving a monetary transaction.

Thursday 19 May 2011

Cloud

Portrait I did the other day. Acrylic. Looked at lots of pics of 20s actresses on google images, decided feathers just went with the vibe. Standard blendy background I tend to do; here reflects the colours in her skin as if she herself is made up of clouds.

Sunday 15 May 2011

Bananie Recipe



This vegan banana brownie recipe is easy and sticky and   makes the right amount for gorging into by yourself right there  and then in the kitchen standing up. That is, it makes an amount somewhere between an A5 and A4 sheet of paper, thinly spread across a tray. Thinly for a cake mix that is, not thinly for a sheet of paper. This would be a really thick sheet  of paper, say, a plank of wood.



Ingredients
 1 banana (90g)
30g dark muscovado sugar
40g sunflower oil
15g cocoa powder
60g self-raising flour

Mix the ingredients together: put in bowl, get spoon, move spoon in bowl around and around. Cook at gas mark 4 (180 C) for 20 minutes. Until only the middle is still a bit squishy. If you do not like squishy uncooked bits... well, make a friend who does. You've got 99% of the population to choose from. As it is vegan the squishy uncooked bit can be enjoyed without the ghostly image of your mother appearing in your head whispering 'salmonella'. Salmonella shall henceforth be known as the fish who married a charming prince in your mind.


Saturday 14 May 2011

Musicians Quaver!

Happy Eurovision Night. Here are some musicians quavering over a quaver. Eeks!